This is a post I’ve been wanting to write for a while. I haven’t because I know it will probably make me sound like a horrible person. But I wanted to share some honest truths about what I’ve gone through. So, here goes….
Let me also preface by saying that I do feel extremely blessed and grateful to even be pregnant. I was told so many times it wouldn’t happen. I thought I would at least do a few rounds of IVF before it would work. I’ve tried to not do too much complaining but to just share my experience. So, try not to take it too much as complaining but as what I’m experiencing.
Being a Mom and having kids
It’s getting into the final days of my pregnancy. I’m trying to enjoy it as much as possible. I am definitely nervous, anxious, scared, and terrified.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited as well. I’ve had this little nugget inside me for nine months. I love feeling him move and kick and hiccup. I wonder what he will look like. Will he be a lefty like Jake? Will he have his green eyes too? But I’m also scared because everything is going to change. Normally, I like change. I welcome change. But I’m not ready for a baby. I’m not ready for a kid. Am I?
Sometimes I think, “what have I done?” and “no turning back now” – I know that we wanted to get pregnant. I just didn’t know that IVF would work the first time. And I’m so happy that it did. But it’s still scary.
I love Jake so much it makes my heart hurt. I love having him all to myself. I love just hanging out or going on adventures and boating. I like it just being us. I’m not ready to share him and have our whole world flipped upside down. Sure, babies are cute and snuggly. But then they become kids and teenagers. Luckily I have a few more years before that happens, but sometimes kids are annoying. I’m going to be a mom. That is scary.
I went to a grand opening and held a brand new baby. After about 5 minutes, it hit me. I’m going to have one of these SOON. The look in my eye was pure terror. I just didn’t know what to do or think. I quickly handed her back and literally was petrified. It was one moment I felt, “this is real. this is happening”
The birth part also scares me so much, so I just try not to think about it. But from what I hear, it is all worth it. At least I can hear stories from my friends and know that they bounced back soon.
When we first got Lincoln, it was a horrible first two weeks. Jake was gone and we had this new dog that was scared and vomiting and not eating. It was so hard. I almost thought he wasn’t the dog for us. And then, he got better and I fell in love. I think if I could cuddle him all day I would. I’m pretty obsessed with my dog. So, if I can feel that way about him, I know I’ll love my little baby.
Peeing my pants
This is no joke. I’ve had a few instances where maybe a little comes out when I sneeze. But two times, full on peed my pants. Once, Jake was in the shower and I sneezed. Got up changed and came back to the couch. Little puddle. Even though I could be embarrassed about it, I seriously ran in and told Jake and couldn’t stop laughing. The second time was on our new rocker. At least I know there will probably be throw up or other bodily fluides on that from the baby soon. So now, I’m just cautious when I sneeze! If you haven’t heard my sneezes, they can be quite loud and violent.
Another thing I’m having a hard time with is my body image. I know that I’m pregnant. But being up 50 lbs and looking at yourself in the mirror is hard to take in. I’m retaining a lot of water and am super swollen. I’m trying my best to stay active, but walking is even a challenge. I can’t even take Linc on walks anymore.
There are times I look at myself and feel disgusted and fat. Clothes don’t fit right. I’ve purchased some maternity clothes and those have worked out great. But the one thing I can’t figure out is underwear. Seriously! I bought a few maternity ones, but they just don’t fit right. And they are a size Large! Maybe that’s my next business venture. Maternity underwear.
I’m very fortunate to have a man like Jake in my life. He tells me I look pretty. He tells me when my makeup looks good. He’s never said I look fat. He’s been really great at making me feel good.
Since I was about 20 weeks pregnant, I’ve had horrible leg pain. The tops of my thighs were numb and tingling. It was hard to walk and I’d have to take breaks a lot. Now the pain has moved into my shins and feet. I have constant shin splits and my feet are so swollen it hurts to bend my toes.
My legs and feet have white spots on them which we think is from poor circulation. I try to stretch it out but nothing really helps.
Other symptoms – normal pregnancy stuff
- trouble breathing
- trouble sleeping
- back pain
Owning a business while pregnant and going through IVF
Not everyone will experience this during pregnancy. I’ve felt the pressure of being a girl boss and being a mom. I feel like there are going to be stresses even after baby with both, but I’m trying to find a good way to manage.
What I can’t take anymore is being walked all over. Something is in the water because some of my brides have been crazy lately. This industry is so very emotional and I know I’m the easiest person to take it out on. But some days, I’m just over it.
I’ve been getting headaches and feeling sick and my doctor says it’s work related and not pregnancy related. While I try to take it easy and have my girls manage, they still insist on talking to me. So, I’m kind of excited for a little break from brides, even though that means sleepless nights and blow outs.
I started writing this a few days ago. I was a little frustrated. In pain. And so tired. I’m sure every new mother goes through some sort of “I’m scared as shit” phase.
We went to our 39 week appointment on Tuesday and got hooked up to a few monitors. At that moment, I was like a protective mother and just wanting him to be ok. I was excited. Anxious to meet him. Disappointed that I wasn’t dilated. Ready to get this baby out.
He’s so happy and cozy. Moving and kicking all over. I wasn’t having contractions. He’s just content. I am ready to meet him. I’m ready to see Jake hold him.
I know all my fears will be set aside once I see him. I know this hasn’t been the most fun, but I’ll want to do it again.
For now, I’m counting down and trying to enjoy the last few days with my belly. It’s been hard to work but I’m trying to stay busy.