Tomorrow, I’ll be 8 MONTHS PREGNANT. 32 weeks are in the books.
Wilder is constantly moving and keeping his momma busy. It’s hard to fall asleep with his jabbing at my sides and rolling around. It’s such a crazy cool feeling. I try to describe it to Jake, but it’s something he’ll never fully be able to understand.
I’m up 34 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight. The doc hasn’t really said anything about my weight so I guess I’m still on track. I only gained 1 lb in the last 2 weeks. Based on the doc, Wilder’s head is down and feet up. So, we shouldn’t be too worried about breech anymore.
My lungs and bladder feel like they are at max capacity. I huff and puff up the stairs and find it hard to move side to side. He’s about out of room in there. The leg pain is still there and acid reflux has made an appearance. But when he moves, it gives me the best feeling. Lincoln better watch out because this little boy is about to steal my heart.
I’ve been having a really rough week at work. It’s been emotionally exhausting. It’s that time of the year where you hold your breath that everything turns out ok. That every dress fits. That there aren’t production issues, concerns, or delays. That your brides are happy. Ultimately, if something goes wrong – regardless of fault – it’s so easy to put the blame on Flutter (or me). It’s my job to take on that stress and not pass it along to the bride. I do it with pride. I’m good at what I do.
I have poured my heart and soul into what I do. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m not just in it for the business, but for the passion. When something happens, it hits me hard. I do everything I can. Sometimes, no matter what happens, it’s not enough.
People only hear what they want to hear. They only read what they want to read. Each person’s perception of a situation is different. It’s been hard for me to not get worked up about things. I saw the perfect quote that got me through yesterday:
This week really got to my core.
Part of it could be hormones. I have only had a few outbursts of anger or tears. It hasn’t been nearly as bad as they make it out to be in TV and movies.
I was feeling so low last night, Jake took me out on a date. Just us time. As we ate sushi and DQ (Wilder loves sushi and DQ – double fudge cookie dough extra cookie dough), we talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be [more on that in next blog].
It really made me think. How do female business owners do it? Motherhood and run a business? I think What Would Beyonce Do? I thought I was prepared. I have the right staff, we are getting the store ready, but a part of me feels guilty leaving it for a few weeks. I’m only allowing myself a month – if I can even do that.
I have the best girls that truly care about the store. The problem – I’m a control freak. I like things said a certain way. Or written a certain way. I trust them and they are so awesome, but I feel bad leaving them and putting the pressure on them. Right now, I am now thinking about:
- updating handbooks/passwords
- moving the office around
- is there enough coffee and TP
- product knowledge
- computer system – pricing changes – updated inventory
- how can I make it easier for them
- what if a bill needs to be paid asap and I’m in the hospital
- what if I go into labor at work – Jake works an hour away!
- how will the sales be – can they manage
- instagram, fb, website, social media keep up
- do we have enough staff
I’m not only the boss – I’m the IT person, the plumber, the light bulb changer, the “air conditioner went out” person, the all around when there is a problem person. As I should be.
I am lucky to have the benefit of working from home. Or going in whenever if they need me. Flutter is my baby, I don’t want to take a step back, but I want to take a step back. I feel like I’m choosing.
So, this week I have plan:
- Get out of my funk. Brides will be fine and I have to understand I will always be a scapegoat
- Birth Class
- Maternity Pictures (you guys – it’s going to be amazing!)
- Making list for hospital bag
- Get a car seat maybe and crib mattress
- Organize nursery
- Clean the house
- Arrange dog sitter for hospital stay
- And more I probably don’t even know yet
I will tell you this – I beat infertility. I will beat this feeling of boss lady and mom. It will all work out.
My doctor said that if I find myself in a closet deep cleaning – I’m about to go into labor. Luckily, I’ve just been annoying Jake with redecorating our house and selling items on craigslist to get new furniture.
[new gallery wall with empty frames until Wilder shows up]
TWO MORE MONTHS.