Heartbreak and Happiness

How is it possible to feel complete heartbreak and utter happiness at the same time? Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I didn’t even think I could write this today.

We had our third ultrasound today with my OBGYN in Wyoming, MN. If you can’t tell, it didn’t go well. I’ve been with my OB for two years, so he knows me and was able to meet Jake. He is the doctor that told me to get a second opinion besides Mayo and that I should try IVF.

After we talked for a few minutes, we went into the ultrasound room and did some measurements and standard checkups. Has anyone ever measured how far apart your butt bones are? He wanted to check to make sure they were wide enough for delivery. Weird.

Once we got the ultrasound going, he found Baby A perfectly. He/She was moving all around and dancing. It was one of the coolest things I’ve seen. His/Her heartbeat is 170 BPM. And we got to hear it! It was amazing.

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[baby a with hands and feet – just ask for the video and I can get it to you]

I teared up and was so happy. But after a minute, he couldn’t find Baby B. It took a bit, and there he saw something. But no heartbeat. The same small sack. The same image. But no heartbeat. I was devastated. Jake just watched the screen and rubbed my arm. He was teary eyed. I think we both had so many mixed emotions.

Part of me wondered if it was just an older machine. It wasn’t like the ones we were used to. Also, Baby A was normally in the top left and Baby B in the bottom right. This time, Baby B was in the bottom left. I felt like I wanted to call CRM and have them use their ultrasound machine just to double check. Jake said it was pretty obvious and Baby B’s sac should be much bigger and he/she should be moving around like Baby A.

As soon as the doctor left, the tears came. Jake hugged me and said we should be happy that we have one healthy growing baby. He said that we transferred two embryos so we had the best possible chance of having one. I agreed, but it was still hard to hear.

Can I do this again? The IVF, the shots, the exhaustion, the time off work, the nausea. I was looking forward to “buy one, get one” for my body’s sake. I had some spotting last week. I had some cramping. Although unrelated, could I have done something different? I worked and was on my feet a lot. Was it me? Was it from not napping? Did I eat something wrong? Did I not drink enough water. Did Lincoln step on my stomach? I know it probably has nothing to do with me.

I didn’t think I would get too attached. We were being cautiously optimistic. We knew there was a chance this could happen. After Jake went to work, I sat in the car and cried for about an hour before leaving the hospital parking lot. I don’t know why I couldn’t be happy I have ONE amazing baby.

I guess I never knew what this could feel like. It’s not necessarily a miscarriage, or is it? Baby B will either absorb into me or we might see it attached to Baby A placenta. Not really sure what might happen.

I decided after our appointment that I needed some Target therapy. Of course I wondered into the Baby aisles and to my surprise, 50% off a whole aisle. So, naturally, I bought some onesies and a book and some Star Wars Socks.

I got Jake the Jimmy Fallon “Dada” book. I also have a baby shower to go to this weekend, so I was doing a little extra shopping for a soon to be special little girl! So on a happier note. I at least have our nursery idea picked out. I am so excited about Wookie The Chew!

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[images from James Hance we will soon be purchasing from his website as prints]

It will work great for a girl or a boy. I’m trying to think positive and keep this little Baby A safe and sound.

I am 10 weeks and 3 days. I’m anxiously awaiting 2nd trimester to get my energy back. We are still on the estrace and PIO shots for now. More blood work next week to see how my levels are. Hoping to get off the juice soon.

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It has been a tough day. To be by myself. To have Jake go back to work. But, I have the best support system. Thank you to all our friends and family for your encouraging words and support today. It meant a lot to hear from some of you and have you there for me when I needed it. Jake and I are blessed to have each of you in our lives.

I am thankful today that our IVF did work the first time. I am thankful to have a wonderful growing Baby A. I am thankful for my supportive husband. I am thankful for so many things.

We love you!

Kolby and Jake

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9 thoughts on “Heartbreak and Happiness

  1. Bless you both. I don’t know how it is possible to feel heartbreak and happiness, but we all do. Some things are just meant to be. Although we don’t understand “Why” for so many happenings. Someone is watching over you and giving you the strength to handle what your going through. I believe the Angels are hard at work protecting and guiding you towards being a “Mom”. Let those tears flow…there’s nothing wrong in that. They are sometimes of joy and sometimes Of sadness. It makes you feel better. Just remember you and Jake are loved so much. When you hurt, we hurt too. If we can do Anything ….let us know. In the meantime, we will be thinking and loving you all. Only wish we Could be there to give you a hug. ❌❌ Lotza Love, Grandma & Grandpa F.

    Sent from Judy’s iPad

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  2. I am so sorry, Kolby. I can’t even imagine everything you’re feeling right now. I remember well fearing the worst before every ultrasound, the complete joy of seeing the teenie baby move around and hearing the heartbeat… It is just so MUCH to feel, I don’t know how it is even possible to process such a loss in addition to everything else. I hope you can stop any thoughts of blaming yourself. Many, many babies fail to develop past those early stages because they just didn’t have the genetic stuff that this life requires. I’m sure it was nothing you did or failed to do. You are obviously doing a great job because your other little one is thriving! I pray for you all the time! I don’t remember if you are Catholic (and I don’t think it matters), but while I was pregnant I prayed to St. Ann every day… I believe she is the patron saint of pregnancy. It really helped to ease my mind and I truly beleive made my little miracle possible. I still pray to her all the time… I bet she is getting sick of me 🙂 here’s the website I read in case you might find it helpful:https://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/novena/stann/st_ann.htm

    Hang in there!! Big hugs!

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  3. Kolby and Jake, i can’t imagine the emotions you are going through. Grieving, happiness, afraid, anxious! Take care of you and Baby A! Trust in God’s plan for you!

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  4. That is wonderful news that you have one healthy baby, but I understand the feeling of loss over the other one. Take all the time you need to be sad about Baby B. But, then rejoice that you still have Baby A. Sending hugs. xo

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